"When we feel angry with any person, we should try to find out some good in him, either in his way of thinking, or in his way of speaking or in his way of acting. If we find some redeeming quality in him, we should ponder its value and ignore his bad qualities as natural weaknesses that are to be found in everyone. Whilst we think thus, our mind will soften and we may even feel kindly towards that person. If we develop this way of thinking we will be able to curb or eliminate our anger towards him."
This is great advice from Ven. K. Piyatissa Thera. I know because I have used it. I'll share a personal anecdote with you. I made a lovely friend in college, and as we became closer I shared with her my past and my pain. More specifically, I shared with her some quite damaging experiences I had with my father, violent outbursts and psychological trauma that began (as I am able to remember) at age 3 and continued into adolescence. As I got older my overwhelming fear of this man transformed into aggression. As a result I was able to defend myself and ward him off more easily. Finding freedom from this trauma has begun and it continues.
I confided many memories with my friend in much more detail. She had a lot of questions which often felt more like an interrogation. Towards the end of our college career she would ask me when the last time I spoke to him was. 'I never speak to him, why should I speak to him now?' I thought.
It is important that I tell you my friend had a beautiful relationship with her father. But at age 17, her father passed away, perhaps just 3 years before we became friends. At times I perceived her as sympathetic towards my father, as though he is actually a victim.
Try to remember a time, if it has happened, when someone empathized with, or victimized someone who hurt you tremendously. What an awful feeling when someone close to you turns the tables, empathizes with your oppressor, and calls him/her the victim instead of recognizing you as the one has suffered. This is what I perceived to be happening and it pained me so much. I became so angry and disgusted with her. I thought 'does she not have sympathy for me or resent me because she thinks I am unappreciative, since my father is still alive and hers isn't?'
How wrong I was, how terribly did my own defensiveness cause me to completely misread her actions and her speech. We spoke about it one night and it turns out she never felt that way at all. Hearing about my past actually made her appreciate having the kind of relationship with her father that she did even more, in spite of the fact that it had been cut short.
But before I knew this, I daydreamed about sending her a message via facebook never to speak to me again because I can't possibly stand the agony of trying to sustain a relationship with someone who victimizes someone who tormented so much as a child.
What a blind foolish thing that would have been to do. What a horrible mistake such an action would have been.
One day, I started remembering all the wonderful things about her that made her a friend to be cherished. She is genuine, down to earth, kind, and one of the best listeners I know. When we get together at her place and she looks at me and says 'How are you?' or "How have you been?' It is not a hackneyed conversation starter or mere small talk. She really wants to know, and when I respond she looks right at me the whole time, attentively. She really cares about what I've been up to and she asks because she really wants to know. It might sound simple, but having a friend who is an active listener is so special.
Ven. K Piyatissa Thera's advice rang true for me, and could for you too. I remembered these things about her and boy did I soften up. How could I ever let foolish anger sever such bond?!
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