Typical New Yorker Being A Bitch On The Subway.

The commute from a backwoods NJ rural town to NYC, and an overnight shift with a sometimes aggressive man who suffers from dementia, left me drained and exhausted. It also left me a little careless, as I quickly stepped onto the subway car, worried that if I didn't move quickly enough the doors would close on the tip of my nose, forcing me to wait another 15 minutes with a stuffed book bag on my back, and another bag in hand, not to mention a sore nose.

Luckily, I made it onto the subway car with all my things and my nose intact. Then suddenly, I heard an angry voice yell 'If you wait a minute I'll move!' My jaw dropped. Whoa, that was nasty! Is she talking to me?! Did I bump into her or shove her without realizing? It was an accident! Unintentional bumps or shoves should be expected by people who live in the rustle and bustle of NYC! And someone who did so without the intention to harm certainly doesn't deserve such a nasty attitude!

True or false, none of that matters, at all. To engage those thoughts would have been for me to engage my pride. And when we engage our pride, others engage their own pride and the whole thing gets ugly very quickly. So I thought, let me try something different and let go of pride. Let me just try it, if for even just this once, and see what happens if I let go of my desire to defend my position as a victim of her nastiness. Let me just try it and see what would happen if I let go of my desire to show her why she was wrong for having a bad attitude. Let me just see what happens if I just try it, and let go of my pride.

Here's what happened to me in this instance when I let go of my pride.

I walked over to her and gently asked 'excuse me, did I bump into you before?'

Looking up at me from her seat, she rolled her eyes towards the top of her head, closed her eyelids and began to nod adamantly, accentuating her chin's upward, and then downward motion.

'Oh, I am so sorry, I didn't even notice it happen. I am really sorry'

She put her hand out towards me as if to tell me not to fret and said 'Thank you'. She seemed appreciative.

That felt so much better than holding onto my pride and starting some pointless scuffle. If I had done that, I would have an angry feeling attached to that memory. I might have remembered her as a "typical New Yorker" or "that mean bitch from the subway".

I am so glad I chose to leave pride behind and apologize to her. Now when I think of that incident, I actually like her, and remember her fondly.

If you ever find yourself in a similar situation, take a few deep breaths, and just try it, just once just try it. Please.

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When people treat you like crap, and it feels like crap.

Have you ever felt disgusted and hurt after someone mistreated or insulted you? The answer is likely yes... But do you notice yourself consistently hurt, angry, and/or offended by others' actions toward you? Do you ever feel like you just don't have skin thick enough for this world, or wish you could protect yourself indefinitely from major and minor insults?

Personally, I answer yes to most of the above questions. I have pondered and read a lot in an effort to discover a way to escape feeling this way, and a thought occurred to me. When I looked inward, I saw a craving for respect. I have a terrible craving for respect, so much so that even a dirty look, a slight from a stranger that I bump into on the subway, or the wrong tone of voice, can sometimes throw me into a defensive mode and I well up with anger and hurt.

Whenever someone is insulting or hurtful to me, essentially what I have been saying in my head is 'How dare they speak to me like that!' 'How awful that they disrespected me like that!' 'This feels so horrible to not be treated the way I deserve!' That's a lot of "me" and "I". These are not outlandish or unreasonable responses to rude or nasty offenses, but they do reflect a desire. A desire to be respected. When a desire consumes us and envelopes our mind, it becomes a craving.

And a craving makes us extremely sensitive when that craving is not met.

So what can we cry babies do when we are not treated kindly, so that we don't feel so awful when it happens? First, some humor always helps =p

But seriously, us cry babies need to recognize that the cause of our negative feelings is our craving for respect. Then we must recognize that the inverse of insisting that the world respect us, is practicing humility.  When practice humility it shifts the focus away from "me" and "I". And when you're not so concerned with getting X for yourself, (X= respect) then when you don't get it, its not such a big deal. To become less concerned with being respected we have to change our attitude.

When someone is disrespectful or nasty to us, we can be grateful towards that person, because they have given us an excellent opportunity. We can take that moment to say 'I will not go on the attack, or defense, I will remember that this negative feeling is a result of craving (for respect) and attachment to the illusory ego. This is a great opportunity to practice humility'. Then you choose to ignore or politely say you're glad to discuss things when everyone is calmer. This attitude dulls the hurt.

We can also view them as the teacher in the moment, having presented us with a challenge to rise to, an opportunity to learn a lesson. This attitude dulls the anger. 

I'm not saying that we should let people walk all over us. What I am saying is that we cannot change how other people choose to treat us, but we can change the lenses we use to view a situation. Anger is a draining experience and a destructive force.  But when we change our view of a situation from 'attack from a jerk' to 'opportunity from a teacher' we have no reason to feel angry or hurt. Changing our view in this way allows us to free ourselves from selfish anger and feel more peaceful and happy. It's not a favor for the other person. We have everything to gain and will feel much happier with this outlook.

Pretty lofty, right? How in the world do we change our attitude so radically? I mean, after all, we're not all exactly saints or sages...

The only adequate answer I have found for that is daily practice, practice, practice! We have to wake up every morning and decide to practice this attitude. Consistent practice is the only practice. We don't have to master it every time. We just have to keep practicing. It's a lifelong journey with great rewards along the way.

And of course, regular meditation will make this "humility practice" much easier.


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